Doctors Jokes Collection
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, ‘You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you‘d like to talk about or ask me?‘
‘Well,‘ he said, ‘I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.‘
‘That‘s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?‘
‘Yeah, and they‘re in favor 15 to 2.‘
Man: Doctor, me leg keeps talkin‘ to me.
Doc: Don‘t be ridiculous!
Leg: Lend us a fiver!
Man: Told ya.
Leg: Giz a tenner!
Doc: My God!
Leg: Eh
Doc, can you spare 20 quid?
Doc: I know your problem. Your leg‘s broke!
A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say ‘Eighty-eight.‘
‘Eighty-eight,‘ she purred.
‘Good. Now I‘m going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say ‘Eighty-eight.‘
‘Eighhty…eighhhhtttt.‘
‘Fine. Now I‘m going to put my hand on your chest and I want you once more to say ‘Eighty-eight.‘
‘One, two, three, four, five…‘
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies.
When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches.
The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited because they think maybe he‘s in touch with reality now. So they ask him, ‘Why did you put the newspaper down first?‘
He answers, ‘So I‘d be higher and have a better view.‘
Doctor: ‘It‘s no good. I can‘t find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking.‘
Patient: ‘I‘ll come back when you‘re sober then!‘
A guy walks into a doctor‘s office and stutters, ‘Da-da-doc, I‘ve ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can‘t stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?‘
The doctor answers ‘Well, I‘ll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure.‘ So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, ‘I think I know what‘s causing your stuttering.‘
The guy excitedly asks, ‘Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?‘
‘It‘s your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis – it‘s almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with.‘
The guy asks, ‘Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?‘
‘Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one.‘
‘Do it!‘ the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, ‘Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don‘t know how to thank you. But I‘ve only had sex once in three weeks – my wife just doesn‘t like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I‘ve thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex – I want you to put my long one back on.‘
The doctor says, ‘No-no-nope. A da-da-deal‘s a da-da- deal!‘
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn‘t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what‘s wrong and why doesn‘t she want to have sex with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, ‘For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don‘t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?‘ so I take a ‘or what‘. When I get to work I‘m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?‘ so I take a ‘or what‘.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don‘t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?‘ so again I take a ‘or what‘. So you see doc when I get home I‘m all tired out, and I don‘t want it any more.‘
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, ‘So are we going to tell your husband or what?‘
Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist‘s office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions. The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: ‘Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!‘
‘Why,‘ exclaimed the woman, ‘you‘re absolutely right, doctor!‘
Then it was the second woman‘s turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: ‘Madam, you‘re obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!‘
‘You‘re right, doctor!‘ exclaimed the second woman and left.
The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: ‘What rubbish! I don‘t believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!‘
Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: ‘Let‘s go home now Dick.‘
A man stops by his regular doctor with this strange discolouring of his genitals. The doctor was quite amazed. He had never seen such a shade of orange on a man‘s privates. After a very thorough examination, the befuddled doctor finally confessed he had no ideas.
So he said to the man ‘I don‘t quite understand what is going on here.‘ Then he asked, ‘so tell me what is it you do?‘
The man said, ‘not much, really.‘
The doctor asked, ‘Do you work?‘
The man replied, ‘no I have been laid off for months.‘
The doctor then said, ‘well, what is it that you do all day?‘
The man replied ‘not much really, I sit around, watching porno‘s and eating cheetos all day…‘
A man walks into a doctor‘s office and says, ‘I have a problem with my dick!‘
The lady at the counter says, ‘Sir, we do not say words like that at the doctors office! Now leave and come back and replace ‘Dick‘ with some other body part like ‘Ear.‘
The man does as he‘s told and comes back in and says, ‘I have a problem with my ear.‘
The lady the says, ‘What is that?‘
To which the man replied, ‘I can‘t piss out of it!‘