Its All About Jokes

1 After everything he says, say, ‘And how does that make you feel?‘

2 Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc…

3 Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.

4 Point at random things and say, ‘Where did you get that?‘

5 Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.

6 Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.

7 Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.

8 Bring pots and pans and bang them together when he asks a question you don‘t like.

9 Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.

10 Sit underneath your chair.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. ‘I‘ve never been better!‘ he boasted. ‘I‘ve got an eighteen year old bride who‘s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?‘

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ‘Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.‘

The doctor continued, ‘So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.‘ ‘And do you know what happened?‘ the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied ‘No.‘

The doctor continued, ‘The bear dropped dead in front of him!‘

‘That‘s impossible!‘ exclaimed the old man. ‘Someone else must have shot that bear.‘

‘That‘s kind of what I‘m getting at…‘ replied the doctor.

An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see‘s them doing anything wrong. So they have sex. While they are getting dressed the doctor said, ‘Well I don‘t see anything wrong!‘

A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong. They have sex and the doctor says, ‘Well again I don‘t see anything wrong.‘

This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.

The guy said: ‘If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it‘s thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!‘

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid‘s little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.

The young man gives her a stern look and say, ‘You shouldn‘t laugh, it‘s been swollen like that for two weeks now!‘

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, ‘Why didn‘t you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?‘

The lady said, ‘My phone doesn‘t have an eleven.‘

‘The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.‘

‘And did he?‘

‘Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.‘

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, ‘Where are you going?‘

He replied, ‘To the kitchen.‘

She asked, ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?‘

He replied, ‘Sure.‘

She then asked him, ‘Don‘t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?‘

He said, ‘No, I can remember that.‘

She then said, ‘Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you‘ll forget that.‘

He said, ‘I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.‘

She replied, ‘Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.‘

With irritation in his voice, he said, ‘I don‘t need to write that down! I can remember that.‘ He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: ‘I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!‘

A man is talking to the family doctor. ‘Doc, I think my wife‘s going deaf.‘

The doctor answers, ‘Well, here‘s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn‘t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you‘ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.‘

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, ‘Honey, what‘s for dinner?‘ He doesn‘t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. ‘Honey, what‘s for dinner?‘ Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he‘s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, ‘For the eleventh time, I said we‘re having MEATLOAF!‘

A pipe burst in a doctor‘s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, ‘This is ridiculous! I don‘t even make that much as a doctor!‘

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, ‘Neither did I when I was a doctor.‘

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighbourhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy, and immediately began his routine, ‘I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!‘

The other guy looked at him and declared, ‘I did not!‘