Its All About Jokes

Did you hear about the new computer virus?
It‘s called the ‘Lorena Bobbit Virus‘.
Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees ‘Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue.‘ He doesn‘t have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: ‘Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here.‘ So he does.

Up pops a screen which reads, ‘Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you.‘ The fields include ‘Name,‘ ‘Date of birth,‘ ‘Date of death,‘ and ‘Favorite Food.‘

The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks ‘Submit.‘

Up pops another screen which reads, ‘We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?‘ So the man clicks the button marked ‘Yes.‘

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the ‘Submit‘ button.

Now he is faced with a screen reading, ‘We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later.‘ There is a button marked ‘Back.‘ He clicks it.

A new page appears. It reads, ‘Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue…‘

Remember when……..

A computer was something on TV from
a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2‘ floppy
you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you‘d be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider‘s home
and a virus was the flu

I guess I‘ll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody‘s been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

(From a machine at a college dorm:)
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we‘re not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn‘t lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don‘t worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator‘s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

‘Hi. Now you say something.‘

‘Hi, I‘m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.‘ beep ‘Hello. I am David‘s answering machine. What are you?‘

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

‘Hi! John‘s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I‘ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.‘

‘Hello, this is Sally‘s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I‘m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.‘

‘Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you‘re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.‘

‘This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I‘ll think about returning your call.‘

‘Hi. I am probably home, I‘m just avoiding someone I don‘t like.
Leave me a message, and if I don‘t call back, it‘s you.‘

‘Hi, this is George. I‘m sorry I can‘t answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.‘

‘If you are a burglar, then we‘re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can‘t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren‘t home and it‘s safe to leave us a message.‘

‘You‘re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.‘

‘You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.‘

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Why didn‘t the mouse cross the road?

It‘s cord wasn‘t long enough!

January 1, 2000

Dear (enter employee name here)

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I‘m sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.

One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,
432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

PCMCIA- People Can‘t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN- It Still Does Nothing

APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI- System Can‘t See It

BASIC- Bill‘s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM- I Blame Microsoft

CD-ROM- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2- Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW- World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for)
Fools (&) Teenagers.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

‘Well, Bill, I‘m really confused on this call. I‘m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows ‘
95. I‘m going to do something I‘ve never done before. In your case, I‘m going to let you decide where you want to go.‘ ‘Well, what‘s the difference between the two?‘ Bill asks.

God says, ‘I‘m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.‘ ‘Fine, but where should I go first?‘ ‘I‘ll leave that up to you.‘ ‘Okay, then,‘ says Bill. ‘Let me try Hell first.‘

So Bill goes to Hell. It‘s a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. ‘This is great!‘ he tells God. ‘If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!‘

‘Fine,‘ says God, and off they go. Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It‘s nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. ‘Hmm. I think I‘d prefer Hell,‘ he tells God. ‘Fine,‘ replies God. ‘As you desire.‘

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

‘How‘s everything going?‘ he asks Bill. Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, ‘This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can‘t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?‘

‘Oh … that was the SCREENSAVER.‘

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause.‘

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee: ‘Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?‘ ‘Yes, well, I‘m having trouble with WordPerfect.‘

‘What sort of trouble?‘ ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.‘

‘Went away?‘ ‘They disappeared.‘

‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?‘ ‘Nothing.‘

‘Nothing?‘ ‘It‘s blank; it won‘t accept anything when I type.‘

‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?‘ ‘How do I tell?‘

‘Can you see the c:prompt on the screen?‘ ‘What‘s a sea-prompt?‘

‘Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?‘ ‘There isn‘t any cursor: I told you, it won‘t accept anything I type.‘

‘Does your monitor have a power indicator?‘ ‘What‘s a monitor?‘

‘It‘s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it‘s on?‘ ‘I don‘t know.‘

‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?‘ ‘Yes, I think so.‘

‘Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it‘s plugged into the wall. ‘Yes, it is.‘

‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?‘ ‘No.‘

‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.‘ ‘Okay, here it is.‘

‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it‘s plugged securely into the back of your computer.‘ ‘I can‘t reach.‘

‘Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?‘ ‘No‘

‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?‘ ‘Oh, it‘s not because I don‘t have the right angle-it‘s because it‘s dark.‘

‘Dark?‘ ‘Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.‘

‘Well, turn on the office light then.‘ ‘I can‘t.‘

‘No? Why not?‘ ‘Because there‘s a power outage.‘

‘A power….A power outage? Aha! Okay, we‘ve got it licked now. Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?‘ ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.‘

‘Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.‘

‘Really? Is it that bad?‘ ‘Yes, I‘m afraid it is.‘ ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?‘ ‘Tell them you‘re too stupid to own a computer!‘

Question: What is the biggest oxymoron of the 1990‘s?

Answer: Microsoft Works!