Its All About Jokes

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. ‘Well, Bill, I‘m really confused on this call. I‘m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95. I‘m going to do something I‘ve never done before. In your case, I‘m going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.‘

Bill replied, ‘Well, what‘s the difference between the two?‘

St. Peter: ‘I‘m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.‘

Bill: ‘Fine, but where should I go first?‘
St. Peter: ‘I‘ll leave that up to you.‘
‘Okay then,‘ said Bill, ‘Let‘s try Hell first.‘

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

‘This is great!‘ he told St. Peter. ‘If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!‘
‘Fine,‘ said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

‘Hmmm. I think I‘d prefer Hell,‘ he told St. Peter.
‘Fine,‘ retorted St. Peter, ‘as you desire.‘ So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. ‘How‘s everything going?‘ he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, ‘This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can‘t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?‘

‘That was a demo,‘ replied St. Peter.

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. ‘Big‘ diskettes may be folded and used in ‘little‘ disk drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a ‘hung‘ or ‘hooked‘ state. If your system is ‘hooking‘ you will probably need to
insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty‘s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can‘t because there isn‘t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as ‘friends,‘ but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers‘ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase ‘digital compression‘ in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase ‘digital compression.‘ Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don‘t have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates‘ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying ‘phone number‘ and replace it with ‘voice number,‘ since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot‘s phrase ‘electronic town hall‘ makes more sense than the term ‘information superhighway,‘ but you don‘t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it‘s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an ‘intriguing‘ fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say ‘I don‘t know‘ when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don‘t use a laptop.

Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek…

10. When filling out your driver‘s license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is ‘Hi, what‘s your URL?‘

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You‘re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You ‘ping‘ people to see if they‘re awake, ‘finger‘ them to find out how they are, and ‘AYT‘ them to make sure they‘re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as ‘my lady@home.wife‘ and refer to your children as ‘client applications‘.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as ‘my domain server‘.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, ‘I feel so ‘colon-right parentheses!‘

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: ‘Pizza‘s Here!‘

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

‘Well,‘ she said. ‘The first time I married an octogenarian and he
died before we could consummate the marriage.‘

‘The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our
wedding day.‘

‘The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just
sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going
to be.‘

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend‘s hard drive.

2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

3. Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

4. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:

5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

6. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.

8. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it‘s stored.

9. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive‘s FAT.

10. Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

11. AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

12. MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you‘re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

13. Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a ‘virus,‘ but instead refers to itself as an ‘electronic microorganism.‘

14. Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It‘ll be back.

16. Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

18. Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

19. Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

20. Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn‘t allow the user to accomplish anything.

21. Airline Virus
You‘re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

22. PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.

24. LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in ‘self-defense.‘

25. O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

It‘s time to turn your computer off and read a book when….

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

8. You find yourself typing ‘com‘ after every period when using a word processor.com.

9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

10. You can‘t call your mother. . She doesn‘t have a modem.

11. You check you mail. It says ‘no new messages‘. So you check it again.

12. You don‘t know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

15. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.

16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to 10 friends.

Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date

10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.

9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.

8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.

7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.

6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.

5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.

4. If you‘re getting serious, consider a set of ‘his ‘n‘ her‘ system unit keys.

3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.

2. Never type on your date‘s laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.

1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, ‘What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?

If you receive an email entitled ‘Badtimes,‘ delete it immediately! Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD‘s you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator‘s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone‘s autodial to call only your mother-in-law‘s number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some)to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the ‘Badtimes‘ message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs of infection.

In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM
1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
____________________________-_________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you‘ve read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you‘ve read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If ‘Yes‘ then why can‘t you fix the problem yourself?
______________________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
______________________________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
______________________________________________________

17. If ‘nothing‘ explain why you were logged in.
______________________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren‘t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?
_____________________________________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood.
_____________________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can‘t you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__