Its All About Jokes

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A. Nope, they‘re the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean ‘up‘, as in ‘look up at the screen‘. Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?

A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author‘s Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $
139.
95. Or you might not, it‘s your computer, but don‘t say I didn‘t warn you.

Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation

A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with ‘huh‘ and ! with ‘zowie‘.

Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT‘S STUCK DOWN NOW

A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a hand held blow dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q. Why are there are no ‘shift‘ keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled ‘hif‘?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A. Yes, although instead of the notation ‘shift‘, the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you‘re using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin‘ words ‘n stuff on it.

Q. I‘m sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word ‘shift‘ very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to ‘train‘ the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it‘s better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They aren‘t. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don‘t worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn‘t seem to work. What‘s wrong?

A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.

Sung to the tune of ‘Winter Wonderland‘

Doorbell rings, I‘m not list‘nin‘, From my mouth, drool is glist‘nin‘, I‘m happy–although My boss let me go– Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There‘s beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, ‘Yo, man! Don‘t you know tonight‘s the senior prom?‘ With a listless shrug, I mutter, ‘No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!‘

I don‘t phone, don‘t send faxes, Don‘t go out, don‘t pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I‘m happily addicted to the Web!

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend
3.1 to GirlFriend Plus
1.0 (marketing name: Fiance
1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance
1.0 to Wife
1.0 and it‘s a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.

Wife
1.0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey
2.1, squash
3.01 and boys out
1.
2. Although he didn‘t ask for them, Wife
1.0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.

Some features I‘d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend
4.
0… – A ‘Don‘t remind me again‘ button – Minimize button – Shutdown feature – An install shield feature so that Girlfriend
4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don‘t lose cache and other objects) – ‘Abort‘ button (O.K. that one‘s pretty bad – but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend
2.0 with Girlfriend
1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend
1.0 but it didn‘t have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks–in all versions of Girlfriend that I‘ve used is that it is totally ‘object orientated‘ and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife
1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress
1.1 before uninstalling Wife
1.0, Wife
1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Wife
1.0 will then spawn off the virus Lawyer
6.66 which, when activated, consumes all available resources and brings your system to it‘s knees. The funny thing is, if you try to hide Mistress
1.1 in high memory, Wife
1.0 will eventually detect it and begin the process described above.

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this ‘unusual‘ handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was ‘Do you notice anything unusual about me?‘ The guy said, ‘Now that you mention it, you have no ears.‘ The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, ‘Do you notice anything unusual about me?‘

The guy also noticed, ‘Yes, you have no ears.‘ The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, ‘Do you notice anything unusual about me?‘

The guy replied ‘Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses.‘

Surprised, the man then asked, ‘Wow! That‘s quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?‘

The guy burst out laughing and said you can‘t wear glasses if you don‘t have any ears!

New Computer Viruses!

John Bobbit Virus– Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)

•Oprah Winfrey Virus– Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.

•Politically Correct Virus– Never calls itself a ‘virus‘, but instead refers to itself as an ‘electronic micro-organism‘.

•Right to Life Virus– Won‘t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

•Government Economist Virus– Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

•Federal Bureaucrat Virus– Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

•AT&T Virus– Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

•MCI Virus– Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

•Sprint Virus– Every 3 minutes it tells you that it‘s better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.

•PBS Virus– Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

•Health Care Virus– Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

•LAPD Virus– It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in ‘self-defense‘.

•O.J. Virus– Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.

•Ross Perot Virus– Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

•Ted Turner Virus– Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

•Dan Quayle Virus– Their is sumthing rong wit your‘re komputer, we jsut can‘t figyour out watt.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.

2. You check out their address, and it‘s a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.

3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.

4. Their proud boast: ‘We‘ve been on the Internet since it was CB radio.‘

5. Their promo materials use the words ‘information‘ and ‘superhighway‘ in the same sentence.

6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks ‘Would you like fries with that?‘

7. ‘As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports.‘

8. ‘Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas.‘

9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.

10. They charge by the word.

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other…

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it‘s a real easy game. He explains,‘I ask a question and if you don‘t know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don‘t know the answer I‘ll pay you $5.‘ Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, ‘O.K., if you don‘t know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don‘t know the answer I pay you $50! ‘ Now, that got the Engineer‘s attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, ‘What‘s the distance from the earth to the moon?‘ Then Engineer doesn‘t say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer‘s turn. He asks the Programmer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?‘ The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, ‘Well what‘s the answer to the question?‘ Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They‘ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody‘s home.
9. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
10. Size does matter.

Tech Support hotlines are not easy work, you get calls from all sorts of idiotic users that apparently can‘t read a manual, or lack common sense. Here is a transcript of just one such case:

Caller ‘Hello is this Packard Bell Tech support?‘
Tech ‘Yes how can I help you?‘

Caller ‘The cup holder on front of my computer broke off and it is still under warranty, how do I go about getting it fixed?‘
Tech ‘Excuse, you‘ve stumped me. How did you get this cup holder, was it part of some promotion?‘

Caller ‘It came with the computer, I don‘t know of any promotion.‘
Tech ‘Does it have any markings on it, any names, any symbols?‘
Caller ‘Yes, it says 4X!‘

VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter‘s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company‘s new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

‘We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,‘ said Gates. ‘The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.‘

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company‘s new on-line service, ‘we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time‘ and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. ‘You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.‘

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter‘s Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, ‘Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,‘ the crowd roared, but the pontiff‘s smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican‘s prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors‘ access to these key intellectual properties.

‘The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,‘ said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. ‘You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.‘

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. ‘The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience,‘ notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church‘s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it.

Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church‘s mission is to reach ‘the four corners of the earth,‘ echoing MICROSOFT‘s vision of ‘a computer on every desktop and in every home‘.

Gates described MICROSOFT‘s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — ‘One religion, a couple of different implementations,‘ said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.