Its All About Jokes

YOU KNOW YOU‘VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER FOR TOO LONG…

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you are counting objects, you go ‘0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…‘.

When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

When your wife says ‘If you don‘t turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!‘, and you chastise her for omitting the ‘else‘ clause.

You try to sleep, and think sleep (8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /

When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.

When after fooling around all day with routers etc., you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number and hummmmm to imitate a modem… and you succeed…

When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you‘re doing the math in octal.

When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

How do you know if you are a geek?

Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $
500.00

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS TAKING DWEEBONICS CLASSES

10. They tilt their head sideways to smile.

9. When you ground them, they say, ‘Your UI could really use some work.‘

8. They say, ‘My dad can beat your dad at Quake.‘

7. Instead of laughing, they say, ‘LOL.‘

6. They insult kids by saying, ‘And you‘ve got limited bandwidth!‘

5. They change the answering machine message to ‘BRB, leave your URL, and we‘ll TTYL.‘

4. This is how they ask someone out on a date: ‘Umm, uh, well…see ya!‘

3. Calling from camp, your homesick child says, ‘I‘m roaming outside my service area!‘

2. When you ask if they‘ve finished their book report, they say, ‘It‘s in beta, but it‘ll ship in time.‘

1. You‘re telling them something they don‘t want to hear. They‘re saying, ‘NAK, NAK, NAK‘ the whole time.

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, ‘IS THERE A GOD?‘

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer. ‘There is now‘, read the printout.

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if…

…..Tech Support calls ‘You‘ for help. …..Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL …..You have called out someone‘s screen name while making love to your significant other. …..You keep begging your friends to get an account so ‘we can hang out‘ …..you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino‘s …..you‘ve ever typed ‘drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone‘ …..you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it …..you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences …..you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing …..when someone says ‘What did you say?‘ you reply ‘Scroll up!‘ …..you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep. …..you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family‘s. …..you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook …..you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own …..you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line) …..you‘re broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one …..you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room …..you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time …..you won‘t work at a job that doesn‘t have a modem involved ….you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists ….you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy ….you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours ….you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one…hehehe) ….your buddy list has over 100 people on it ….you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee ….you wait 6 hours online for a certain ‘special‘ person to sign on ….you don‘t know where the time has gone ….you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil. ….your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had ….you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead ….you don‘t even notice anymore when someone has a typo ….when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses*** ….you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme ….your voicemail/answering machine message is ‘BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL‘ ….you type faster than you think ….being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult …you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say ‘BRB‘ or ‘BBL‘ ….you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room …you‘ve gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers ….you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life …you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name …your last sexual experience was really just a ‘textual‘ experience

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I‘ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There‘s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won‘t be there this time.

Patron: No, it‘s still there. Waiter: Maybe it‘s the way you‘re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it‘s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I‘m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn‘t ready yet. Patron: Well, I‘m so hungry now, I‘ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There‘s a gnat in my soup!

The check: Soup of the Day . ……….. . . . . . . . . . $
5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $
2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ……….$
1.00

1. Compaq is considering changing the command ‘Press Any Key‘ to ‘Press Return Key‘ because of the flood of calls asking where the ‘Any‘ key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn‘t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn‘t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the ‘send‘ key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. ‘Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,‘ the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, ‘Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.‘

8. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was ‘bad and invalid‘. The tech explained that the computer‘s ‘bad‘ and ‘invalid‘ responses shouldn‘t be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn‘t get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response ‘I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. ‘The ‘foot pedal‘ turned out to be the computer‘s mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn‘t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, ‘What power switch?‘

12. A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was her old computer had used 5 1/4‘s and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive. The tech explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5 1/4‘s to her 3 1/2‘s. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an hour later the same customer called and stated that her disk-drive was making funny noises. After a few questions, the customer told the tech that she didn‘t know how to copy and had cut the 5 1/4‘s to the same size as the 3 1/2‘s and put them in the drive!

13. True story from a Novell Netwire Sys Op:

Caller: ‘Hello, is this tech support?‘ Tech Rep: ‘Yes, how may I help you?‘

Caller: ‘The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?‘ Tech Rep: ‘I‘m sorry, but did you say cup holder?‘

Caller: ‘Yes, it‘s attached to the front of my computer. ‘ Tech Rep: ‘Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it‘s because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?‘

Caller: ‘No I didn‘t get it from a trade show, but it does have a trademark on it, ‘4X‘

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn‘t keep from laughing. The caller had been using the load drawer of his CD-ROM as a cup holder, and snapped it off!

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

You start introducing yourself as ‘lord at pacbell dot net‘

Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like

You check your mail. It says ‘no new messages‘. So you check it again

Your phone bill is delivered in a box

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom

All of your friends have an @ in their names

You tell the cab driver you live at http://
123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You tell the kids they can‘t use the computer because ‘Daddy‘s got work to do‘ and you don‘t have a job.

You get a tattoo that says ‘This body best viewed with Netscape
3.01‘

You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet

You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the ‘back‘ button

Your computer goes down, you haven‘t logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line ‘Free Money,‘ DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.

Some filthy, disgusting miscreant . . . some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of her own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e- mail entitled ‘Free Money. ‘What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e- mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. ‘Free Money‘ can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.

How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate . . . but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren‘t a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn‘t be discussing it in ALL CAPS.

So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don‘t do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!

The real name of ‘the‘ Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where ‘III‘ means the order of third (3rd.) By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following: B…….66 I…….73 L…….76 L…….76 G…….71 A…….65 T…….84 E…….69 S…….83 ……..3 ————– …….666 !! Some might ask, ‘How did Bill Gates get so powerful?‘ Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind‘s ultimate and total enslavement??? YOU decide! Before you decide, consider the following: M S – D O S 6 . 2 1 77 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666 W I N D O W S 9 5 87 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666 Coincidence? I think not.