Its All About Jokes

The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned

Winerr 000 – Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything Winerr 001 – Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly Winerr 002 – Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet) Winerr 003 – RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)? Winerr 004 – Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error Winerr 005 – Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename Winerr 006 – Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash Winerr 007 – Alphanumeric Sequence ‘OS2‘ Prohibited Winerr 008 – This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy Winerr 009 – Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors Winerr 00A – Non-Microsoft Application Encountered Winerr 00B – Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement Winerr 00C – Windows Loaded Correctly This Time Winerr 00D – User Error; Lemming Not Found Winerr 00E – Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize Winerr 00F – Reserved for Future Coding Errors Winerr 010 – Virus Error – Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead Winerr 011 – Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN Winerr 012 – Cash Underflow – Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated Winerr 013 – Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down Winerr 014 – User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue Winerr 015 – Error Message Deleted Winerr 016 – Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence Winerr 017 – Multitasking Attempted; System Confused Winerr 018 – Network Error – Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations Winerr 019 – Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue Winerr 01A – Insult Detected — Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted Winerr 01B – Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted Winerr 01C – Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That. Winerr 01D – Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota Winerr 01E – Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here Winerr 01F – Error In Progress; Please Wait…. Winerr 020 – Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember Winerr 021 – Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error Winerr 022 – Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ‘If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.‘

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: ‘Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?‘

Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don‘t are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don‘t have it may agree that it‘s neat, but think it‘s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don‘t have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call ‘E-mail Envy.‘

6. It‘s more fun when it‘s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that‘s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don‘t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you‘re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason ‘Why e-mail is like a penis.‘

1. If you play with it too much, you‘ll go blind!

‘Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?‘ ‘Yes, well, I‘m having trouble with WordPerfect.‘

‘What sort of trouble?‘ ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.‘

‘Went away?‘ ‘They disappeared.‘

‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?‘ ‘Nothing.‘

‘Nothing?‘ ‘It‘s blank; it won‘t accept anything when I type.‘

‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?‘ ‘How do I tell?‘

[Uh-oh. Well, let‘s give it a try anyway.] ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?‘ ‘What‘s a sea-prompt?‘

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let‘s try a different tack.] ‘Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?‘ ‘There isn‘t any cursor: I told you, it won‘t accept anything I type.‘

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he‘s kicked out his/her monitor‘s power plug?]

‘Does your monitor have a power indicator?‘ ‘What‘s a monitor?‘

‘It‘s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it‘s on?‘ ‘I don‘t know.‘

‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?‘ [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] ‘Yes, I think so.‘

‘Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it‘s plugged into the wall.‘ [pause] ‘Yes, it is.‘

[Hmm. Well, that‘s interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don‘t want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don‘t know what kind of monitor s/he has and it‘s bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?‘

‘No.‘

‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.‘ [muffled] ‘Okay, here it is.‘

‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it‘s plugged securely into the back of your computer.‘ [still muffled] ‘I can‘t reach.‘

‘Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?‘ [clear again] ‘No.‘

‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?‘ ‘Oh, it‘s not because I don‘t have the right angle–it‘s because it‘s dark.‘

‘Dark?‘ ‘Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.‘

‘Well, turn on the office light then.‘ ‘I can‘t.‘

‘No? Why not?‘ ‘Because there‘s a power outage.‘

‘A power–!?!‘ …[AAAAAAARGH!]‘A power outage? Aha! Okay, we‘ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?‘ ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.‘

‘Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.‘

‘Really? Is it that bad?‘ ‘Yes, I‘m afraid it is.‘

‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?‘

‘Tell them you‘re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!‘

Tech Support Trials and Tribulations

Customer: ‘Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.‘ Tech Support: ‘What seems to be the problem?‘ Customer: ‘The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It‘s defective!‘ Tech Support: ‘You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.‘ Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)

****************

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard‘s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn‘t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,

‘Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this ‘yellow‘ construction paper?‘

*******************

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer‘s tech support number, complaining about the error message: ‘Can‘t find the printer.‘

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn‘t find it! (YEE-HAW!)

*****************

Customer: ‘Hello? I‘m trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, ‘No Carrier,‘ on my screen. What‘s wrong?‘

*****************

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: ‘I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.‘ (Training stresses that we are ‘not the Soft-ware Police,‘ so I let the little act of piracy slide.) Tech Support: ‘Umm-hmm. What happened?‘ Customer: ‘As I put each disk in it turns out they weren‘t initialized.‘

Tech Support: ‘Do you remember the message exactly, ma‘am?‘ Customer:(proudly) ‘I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it‘?‘ Tech Support: ‘Er, what happened next?‘ Customer: ‘After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can‘t read them in the
A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?‘

******************

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, ‘Leave me alone!‘

They both jumped back, silenced. ‘What the . . . ‘ the teacher said. I typed, ‘I said leave me alone!‘

The kid got real upset. ‘I didn‘t do anything to it, I swear!‘ It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: ‘Don‘t touch me!‘

Her: ‘I‘m sorry, I didn‘t mean to hit your keys that hard.‘

Me: ‘Who do you think you are anyway?!‘ Etc. Finally, I couldn‘t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

***************

I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing ‘
A:‘ and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn‘t type the ‘dot over dot thingie‘ and that every time he tried to type the ‘dot over dot thingie‘ he kept getting the ‘dot over comma thingie‘ no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

*****************

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an ‘Access Denied‘ message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: ‘OK, let‘s try once more, but use lower case letters.‘ Customer: ‘Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.‘

****************

Email from a friend: ‘CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?‘

****************

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, ‘It‘s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!‘ ****************

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk‘ or ‘pencil,‘ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, ‘What gender is a computer?‘

The teacher wasn‘t certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God…

‘Well, Bill, I‘m really confused on this call; I‘m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘
95. I‘m going to do something I‘ve never done before in your case; I‘m going to let you decide where you want to go.‘

Bill replied, ‘ Well, what‘s the difference between the two?‘

God said, ‘I‘m willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision.‘

‘Fine, but where should I go first?‘

‘I‘ll leave that up to you.‘

‘Okay then,‘ said Bill, ‘Let‘s try Hell first.‘

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

‘This is great!‘ he told God. ‘If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!‘

‘Fine,‘ said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. ‘Hmmmm. I think I‘d prefer Hell,‘ he told God.

‘Fine,‘ retorted God, ‘as you desire.‘

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

‘How‘s everything going?‘ he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, ‘This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can‘t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????!‘

‘Oh, that?…That was a DEMO,‘ replied God.

This is deadly serious, so don‘t ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of…

THE CLINTON Virus….
(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus…
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus….
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus….
(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus….
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus….
(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus…
(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus….
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn‘t care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus…
(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

…and last but not least…

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus…
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft‘s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter‘s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter‘s window. The pilot‘s sign said ‘WHERE AM I?‘ in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said ‘YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.‘

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the ‘YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER‘ sign helped determine their position?

The pilot responded ‘I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!‘

Can any of you relate to these ‘addiction‘ quips? I sure can

The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

The remote to the T.V. is missing…and you don‘t even care.
You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month ‘unlimited!‘
You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
The last girl you picked up was a 800×66 jpeg.
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP …because you never log off!
Your wife makes a new rule: ‘The computer cannot come to bed with us.‘

You tell the kids they can‘t use the computer because ‘Daddy‘s got work to do‘ and you don‘t even have a job.

You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.

You have comandeered your teenager‘s phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

You check your email. It says ‘no new messages.‘ So you check it again…and again…and again…

You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.

Your dog has its own home page.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don‘t have a clue when it happened.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You‘re surprised to learn there‘s also a 2 o‘clock in the ‘afternoon‘.
You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye‘s.
Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.