Its All About Jokes

Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One – he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve around him.

President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have
dinner with God. During dinner He tells them: ‘I needed three important
people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy
the Earth.‘

Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: ‘I have two
really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the
earth.‘

Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: ‘I have good
news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is
tomorrow he‘s destroying the Earth.‘

Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: ‘I have two pieces of
great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth,
and second, I think I‘ve got the Y2K problem fixed.‘

YESTERDAY
—————
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There‘s not half the files there used to be,
And there‘s a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data‘s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

============================================

Songs to program by…
Eleanor Rigby
———————

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn‘t it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while…

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

===================================

Unix Man (Nowhere Man)
————————————

He‘s a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn‘t he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin‘
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He‘s as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don‘t worry
Test with time(1), don‘t hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He‘s a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody …
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.

==================================

Write in C (‘Let it Be‘)
————————————

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
‘Write in C.‘

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
‘Write in C.‘

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO‘s dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you‘ve just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC‘s not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won‘t quite cut it.
Write in C.

=========================

Something
————————

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm‘s logic!
Something in the way it coredumps…
I don‘t want to leave it now
I‘ll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer‘s got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me…
I don‘t want to leave it now
I‘m too close to leave it now

You‘re asking me can this code go?
I don‘t know, I don‘t know…
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don‘t know, I don‘t know…

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me…
I don‘t want to leave it now
I‘ll fix this tonight I vow!

It‘s time to turn off your computer when…

…you wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your email first.

…you name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom.

…you turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you pulled the plug on a loved-one.

…you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

…you decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

…you laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

…you start using smileys in your snail mail (if you even remember what that is).

…you find yourself typing ‘com‘ after every period when using a word processor.com

…you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

…you can‘t call your mother…she doesn‘t have a modem.

…you check your mail. It says ‘no new messages‘. So you check it again.

…you don‘t know what gender your three closest friends are because they have neutral screen-names, and you never bothered to ask.

…you move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

…you tell the cab driver to take you to http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.
…you start tilting your head sideways to smile.

MACINTOSH stands for…

Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331

1 to change the light bulb and to post on the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add ‘Me Too.‘

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the ‘Me Too‘s‘ to say, ‘Me Three.‘

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of
2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
9. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
10. -{—– The information went data way ——–[
11. Best file compression around: ‘DEL .‘ = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud……, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!
17. C: Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn‘t DOS ever say ‘EXCELLENT command or filename!‘
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y‘all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don‘ NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. … File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer‘s attention span is as long as it‘s power cord.
31. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor‘s Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who‘s General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. DEFINITION: Computer – A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I‘m modeming… and I can‘t hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. ‘640K ought to be enough for anybody.‘ – Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
54. Press any key…… no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue …

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

‘Hey, bud, how are ya?‘

‘I‘m good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!‘

‘Well, I‘m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she‘s a robot!

‘No way, how could that be?‘

‘Way! She‘s the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that‘s not all, she can have sex, too!‘

‘Holy shit! You‘re kidding, right?‘

‘No, she‘s something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her‘

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming ‘Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!‘

The guy says, ‘Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!‘

One day, Pete complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.‘

His friend said, ‘Don‘t do that. There‘s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00.‘

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks…….

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren‘t yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don‘t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, ‘I think a rod broke.‘

The chemical engineer said, ‘The way it sputtered at the end, I think it‘s not getting enough gas.‘

The electrical engineer said, ‘I think there was a spark and something‘s wrong with the electrical system.‘

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, ‘What do you think?‘

The computer engineer said, ‘I think we should all get out and then get back in.‘