Its All About Jokes

New Year‘s Resolutions for Internet Junkies…

I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since I‘m not a clock watcher.
When I hear ‘Where do you want to go today?‘ I will not reply ‘MS Tech Support.‘
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, ‘LOL… LOL!‘
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than ‘password.‘
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er…
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Why Dogs don‘t surf the web…

Can‘t stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
Too difficult to ‘mark‘ every website they visit.
Can‘t help attacking the screen when they hear ‘You‘ve Got Mail.‘
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they‘re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
‘Cause dogs ain‘t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, ‘Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?‘ And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, ‘How, Dear?‘

And Dot replied, ‘I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah‘s Pony Stable (UPS).‘

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham‘s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com‘s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates‘ drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, ‘Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.‘ And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known ‘eBay‘ he said, ‘we need a name that reflects what we are,‘ and Dot replied, ‘Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.‘

‘YAHOO‘, said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn‘t Al Gore after all.

*** VIRUS ALERT ***

If you receive an email entitled ‘Fighting Canaries,‘ delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD‘s you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator‘s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law‘s number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences.

If the ‘Badtimes‘ message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection…

Owed Two A Spell Chequer:

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

One of Microsoft Network‘s finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off — whereupon he yelled toward the target area…

‘It‘s leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!‘

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:

Congressional Virus v
2.0 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn‘t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Warren Commission Virus : Won‘t allow you to open your files for 75 years.

David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.

Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Texas Virus : Makes sure it‘s bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it‘s virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

Airline Virus : You‘re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it‘s doing every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.

Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,
500.

LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in ‘self-defence‘.

Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, ‘I am saved!‘ to the screen.

Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won‘t harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

And finally…

JokeGalore.com Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

Microsoft‘s ad slogan for Windows 95 was ‘Where do you want to go today?‘

Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released :

1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 gives you the whole house.
5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
7. Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
9. I‘ll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I‘m trying.
10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
13. Windows
3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive
A: and press any key to empty.
15. How do you want to crash today?

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: ‘You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?‘ 10) This is a message from God: ‘Rebooting the universe, please log off.‘ 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417
A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER. 20) User Error: Replace user. 21) Windows VirusScan
1.0 – ‘OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)‘ 22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.

Remember When (Classic)

A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show A window was something you hated to clean…. And RAM was the cousin of a goat…..

MEG was the name of my girlfriend And GIG was your middle finger upright Now they all mean different things And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2‘ floppy You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You‘d be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider‘s home And a virus was the flu

I guess i‘ll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody‘s been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead