Its All About Jokes

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris‘ PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn‘t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris‘ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn‘t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?“ It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.“

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris‘ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he‘s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris doesn‘t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Google no longer runs searches on Chuck Norris

You dont find chuck norris,

Chuck Norris finds you!

Chuck Norris writes half of the jokes on this site, he likes his fans to be informed

Chuck Norris didn‘t wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn‘t step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.

A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. The simple act of touching him

cured the man‘s blindness, unfortunately the first and last thing the

man saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris isn‘t afraid of the dark; the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity……………TWICE!!!

Chuck Norris‘ beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of mortals.

Chuck Norris doesn‘t wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

There was only one man ever to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking, he got what he deserved.

Although it is not common knowledge, there three sides of the force, the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris‘ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris‘ beard. There is only another fist.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it

notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed

in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more than you.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing

around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his

own head.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.

Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he responded, “I don‘t trust doctors.“ He proceeded to shot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com

Rather that being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way from his mother‘s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

The orginal them song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris-more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris robot in disguise,“ and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up truck. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

Mr. Clean is really Chuck Norris with a shaved head and an ear-ring.

Chuck Norris also played the Black guy in Walker Texas Ranger.

Chuck Norris found a portal to Hell where he repeatedly gave the Devil a round house kick to the face.

Chuck Norris invented american flag pants.

Chuck Norris invented the beard.

In the 80‘s it was discovered that President Reagan had an inoperable growth on his brain. Rather than letting him die, they shrunk Chuck Norris and injected him into President Reagan. There, he fought the tumor and defeated it with a round house kick to the face. The tumor died and Chuck Norris safely exited Ronald Regan‘s body. Chuck Norris then had Reagan‘s tumor mounted on his wall next to the elephant that he killed with his bare hands and the dinosaur he shot on his hunting expedition to the Jurassic Period.

Chuck Norris has no use for books since he has a little computer that just downloads information into his brain. He likes to think Charles Dickens‘ stories while he works out.

During the 1970‘s he taught The Price is Right host Bob Barker karate.(True)

Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.

Chuck Norris diabolically invented Vin Diesel in an effort to help win WWII.

Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.

Chuck Norris is actually just Bob Saget in his invincible mech suit.

Chuck Norris has covered his entire house in tinfoil to prevent Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel from collectively applying the force-choke to him. When applying the tinfoil, he inadvertantly applied it shiny-side down, thus effectively drawing heat from teh sun into his house. The resulting oven-like enclosure actually damaged his skin and deadened his nerve-endings, giving him his freakish ability to withstand pain.

Chuck Norris is a mammal. Chuck Norris fights ALL the time. The purpose of Chuck Norris is to flip out and roundhouse kick people.

When you think of Chuck Norris, you either immediately think action movie star (recalling his numerous feature films) or television star, for his long-running CBS television series, “Walker, Texas Ranger.“

But prior to that, Chuck was a martial arts star, winning many martial arts championships including being a six-time undefeated World Professional MiddleWeight Karate Champion. Chuck was also a renowned teacher in the martial arts. Some of his students were Steve McQueen, Bob Barker, Priscilla Presley and Donnie & Marie Osmond.

From 1964 to 1968, Chuck won many State, National, and International amateur karate titles. In 1968, Chuck fought and won the World Professional MiddleWeight Karate championships by defeating the World‘s Top Fighters. He held that title until 1974 when he retired undefeated.

In 1968, Chuck was inducted into the Black Belt Hall of Fame as Fighter of the Year. In 1975, he was inducted as Instructor of the Year and in 1977, Chuck received the honor of Man of the Year.

Chuck is also founder and President of United Fighting Arts Federation with over 2,300 black belts all over the world.

In 1997, Chuck achieved another milestone in his life by being the first man ever in the Western Hemisphere to be awarded an 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master recognition in the Tae Kwon Do system. This was a first in 4,500 years of tradition.

Chuck‘s intense drive and determination extended beyond his martial arts and acting career. He became an offshore powerboat racer with speeds of 140 miles per hour. In 1991, Chuck with his team and sponsor “Popeye Chicken“ won the World Off Shore Powerboat championships. Then he went on to setting a new world record by racing a 38 foot Scarab boat 605 miles across the Great Lakes, from Chicago to Detroit, in 12 hours and 8 minutes.

In 1988, Chuck wrote his autobiography, “The Secret of Inner Strength“, for Little Brown Publishing, which became a New York Times Best Seller. He followed up a few years later with a second book, “The Secret Power Within: Zen Solutions to Real Problems“, also with Little Brown Publishing.

Chuck was asked how he would like to be remembered. Chuck‘s answer was as a Humanitarian. He has gotten a good start by:

1.) Being the spokesperson for United Way, doing an eight-minute commercial, which helped bring in over two billion dollars.

2.) Veterans Administration spokesperson visiting over 12 V.A. hospitals and speaking with World War II, Korean and Vietnam War Veterans including one from World War I.

3.) Winning the 1998 Epiphany award on Walker, Texas Ranger for the best Christian program.

4.) The Jewish Humanitarian Man of the Year Award.

5.) Actively involved with the Make A Wish Foundation for 20 years by making dreams come true for terminally ill children.

6.) BMI Music Television Award for Walker, Texas Ranger theme song, “Eyes of a Ranger“.

7.) Texas Ranger Hall of Fame.

8.) Commissioned Police Officer for Terrell, Texas.

9.) Motivational speaker for many Christian ministries, such as T.D. Jakes Ministry, Trinity Broadcasting, and Bill Glass Crusade.

But Chuck thinks his most rewarding accomplishment was the creation of his Kick-Start Foundation. With the help of President George Bush, Chuck implemented a program teaching the martial arts to 150 high-risk children at M C Williams Middle School in Houston, Texas, as part of the school curriculum. The program was so successful in helping these kids raise their self-esteem and instilling discipline and respect, as well as getting them out of gangs, that the program is now in 30 schools with over 4,200 young boys and girls actively participating.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken‘s famous secret recipe,

with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth

ingredient: Fear.

Chuck Norris doesn‘t go hunting…. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris

once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle

was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named like Chucktober

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn‘t believe in Germany.

The quickest way to a man‘s heart is with Chuck Norris‘ fist.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris‘ victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

Guns don‘t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Chuck Norris doesn‘t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn‘t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.