Its All About Jokes

Christmas Songs for Shrinks
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia: I Think I‘ll Be Home for Christmas.

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I‘m Going to Cry, I‘m Going to Pout, then maybe I‘ll tell you why!

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away).

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It‘s Christmas, Eve!

I Know Something
I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, ‘Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.‘

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, ‘What is that?‘

He replied, ‘They‘re all nocturnal.‘

The Claus Family
St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Claus. As a group, they‘re all renoun Clauses. Santa‘s elves are subordinate Clauses.

‘Twas the night before Christmas (Military version
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defences were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defence.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we‘d heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
‘Alert status red!‘ went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant ‘FIRE!‘

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters–let‘s send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer‘s parachute.

Now it isn‘t quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can‘t hope to evade
All the web of defences we‘ve carefully made.

But a crash program‘s on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let‘s wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa‘s coming by stealth!

Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and ‘pointier‘ parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, ‘Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.‘

‘Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.‘

(pause)

‘Ok, I see that it‘s above the luggage scale, which is the place you‘d have to step forward for a kiss.‘

‘That‘s not why it‘s there.‘

(pause)

‘Ok, I give up. Why is it there?‘

‘It‘s there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.‘

Santa Claus is a Woman? (A Rebuttal)
There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here‘s why:

First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to ‘bond‘ with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they‘d be too busy telling her, ‘No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat.‘

What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don‘t care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.

And what about Santa‘s beard? I‘m sure you‘ll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn‘t have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.

The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte‘s.
Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there‘d be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry‘s containers all over the kitchen floor.

Santa doesn‘t need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.

She-Santa would never say ‘HO HO HO‘. She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.

Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.

She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.

Yup, Santa‘s a guy alright!

Rudolph‘s Ears
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.

However it wasn‘t his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his
nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear for that matter.

So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as … New Ears Day.

20 Uses for Fruitcake
1. Use as a doorstop

2. Use as a paper weigh

3. Use to clean your pots and pans

4. Use as boat anchor

5. Use as bricks in fireplace

6. Build a house with them

7. Use it to hold up your Christmas tree

8. Use as a pencil holder

9. Give it to the cat for a scratching post

10. Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels

11. Hold up your car when changing tires

12. Slice and use for poker chips

13. Use it to carve your turkey on

14. Use as replacement for Duraflame log

15. Take it camping with you…use it to weigh down the tent

16. Use it as a seat at a stadium event

17. Stand on it when you change a lightbulb

18. Put it in the back of your car/truck for snow/ice driving

19. Replaces free weights when you work out

20. Use as book ends at the school library

After Christmas Thought
A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, ‘Mom, is there a Santa Claus?‘

‘Well, what do you think?‘ I asked him.

He replied, ‘Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper.‘ He thought for a minute and said, ‘I‘ll tell you what … you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let‘s just forget we ever had this talk!‘