Its All About Jokes

What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?They both drop their needles !

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?Thanks, I‘ll never part with it !

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ?Beacause a little water ends both of them !

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?A pineapple !

The Untold History of Santa Claus
1689 – Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.

1691 – Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus‘ crew abandons him.

1692 – Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.

1703 – Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still intact.

1704 – Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.

1705 – Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.

1716 – After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar artifacts, as well as the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company in his native Germany.

1720 – Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only because of Claus‘ underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well). Competitors urged government officials to begin an investigation.

1721 – Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus Toys Company. Claus himself refuses to release his records.

1722 – The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of treason. When news of this breaks, Claus‘ employees all turn against him and his company.

1723 – Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds with all of the company‘s funds.

1724 – A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds, however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian wife flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it is generally assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He is believed to have returned to his North Pole base).

1725 – Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.

1725-1734 – The Claus‘ lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the arts of toymaking and business dealings.

1735 – Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to construct a castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the company funds.

1739 – The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year, Claus‘ wife dies, accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle‘s great halls.

1740 – Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.

1745 – Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and of his sick father.

1747 – Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.

1748 – Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.

1753 – All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father‘s toy company once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies, at age 89.

1755 – The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.

1757 – The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by Claus II to begin an ambitious project–that of breeding and training reindeer to fly.

1773 – The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III‘s major form of transportation.

1774 – A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by the Claus government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other world leaders for a stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a lavish show of wealth, all at the elves‘ expense. He gives the other leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion are planted.

1777 – As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the Claus government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his advantage.

1784 – On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street during the Christmas day parade, and is assasinated by a radical faction of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law into effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads the Elves in rebellion.

1785-1792 – The Seven-year Strike takes place. The elves refuse to make toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole hits an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner of his own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself as leader of the elven community.

1796 – Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully attempt to invade Norway. Over 10,000 elves are killed.

1800 – Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.

1802 – After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he is quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built, brought to life, and used as a political scapegoat.

1804 – Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.

1819-1826 – After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.

1827-1841 – The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as president. In order to clear their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location, they decide to start the hugest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas, Claus IV will ride all over the world, distributing free toys to children everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very costly.

1837 – Claus III dies.

1851 – As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves are asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay cut. They start to complain, but Claus assures them he will do all he can to help them. As a sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds between the Claus family and the Elves.

1856 – Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay at home, and so he suggests that department stores use costumed employees to represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do it every year.

1857-1867 – Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time building up the company, doesn‘t seem to mind, in fact, he feels that it‘s good publicity.

1871 – Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government back to the elves.

1872 – Claus V usurps his father‘s throne, sending him to live the remainder of his life under guard in the castle‘s west wing.

1875 – After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the new form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but they are successfully quieted. (It is also because of communism that Santa Claus‘ suit later changes from beige to red.)

1881 – Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets underway. His funeral is not a large one.

1887 – In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the assembly line.

1893 – Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of the first one, whom the communist government now honors for ‘giving the government back to the elves.‘

1900 – Sigmund Freud‘s ‘The Interpretation of Dreams‘ is published.

1902 – After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. All throughout the kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say he‘d be back again some day.

1906 – Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves aren‘t the least bit excited.

1909-1922 – The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally, and Claus V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.

1925 – Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He is found buried in the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is the work of Frosty, but no one can prove it.

1926 – Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are installed in the streets, and the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are expanded, and the toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.

1929 – Angered by Claus‘ commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts to remove the material goods to show the true meaning of Christmas. He fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that the Grinch is made out to be the villian.
1949 – Claus VII is born.

1979 – Claus VI dies of natural causes.

1933-1990 – The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly. Across the Western world, a pattern starts to emerge and become noticed. Children receive Claus‘ toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their parents throw them away. When they have children of their own, they are surprised to see the toys once again, and when the children grow up the toys are thrown off again, and so the cycle goes on.

1991 – First sightings of Anti-Claus.

1993 – Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed. His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites reversed. He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And instead of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by eight flying cows.

1997 – Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole.

2002 – Communism fails utterly at the North Pole due to the nature of the elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth making the Christmas rounds, collides with Anti-Claus, who was flying counterclockwise. A huge explosion and blinding flash of light occurs, leading scientists to believe that they annihilated each other.

2007 – The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves. Christmas is no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is finally achieved throughout the kingdom.

2011 – It is discovered that Claus VII did not die in the explosion, but merely made it appear so.

Twelve Days of Christmas Memo
CORPORATE MEMO

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New ‘Twelve Days of Christmas‘ Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole‘s loss of dominance in the season‘s gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa‘s market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO‘s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We‘re pleased to inform you that Rudolph‘s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph‘s nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph ‘a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load‘ was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa‘s helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under ‘executive stress‘.

As for further restructuring, today‘s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the ‘Twelve Days of Christmas‘ music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney‘s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (‘thirteen lawyers-a-suing‘), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays all!!

Fractured Christmas Carols
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we‘ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He‘s makin‘ a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney‘s the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer.

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You‘ll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

Come, froggy faithful

You‘ll tell Carol, ‘Be a skunk, I require‘

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

An Engineer‘s View of Santa Claus
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn‘t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that‘s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there‘s at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 71.604 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc. This means that Santa‘s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ‘flying reindeer‘ (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth‘s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he‘s been vaporized by now!

The REAL Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse

Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
‘Some Assembly Required.‘

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie‘s townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can‘t get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.

‘Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.‘
‘Honey,‘ said hubby, ‘you just glued my hand.‘

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with ‘assembly required‘ till morning‘s first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
‘This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we‘ll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!‘

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there‘s something to say for those self-deluded-
I‘d forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!