Bush Jokes Collection
A touching father and son moment:
BUSH Sr.: Read my nose: no new taxes.
BUSH Jr: Er ….. Isn‘t that‘s meant to be ‘Read my lips.
‘
BUSH Sr.: No, Son. If they watch my lips, they‘ll see that I‘m lying through
my teeth. Read my nose, no new taxes.
Question: ‘What proof do you have that Iraq has Weapons of Mass Destruction?‘
Colin Powell: ‘We kept the receipts.‘
WASHINGTON, DC – President Bush expressed frustration and anger Monday over a
U.N. report stating that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is now fully complying
with weapons inspections. ‘Enough is enough,‘ a determined Bush told reporters.
‘We are not fooled by Saddam‘s devious attempts to sway world opinion by doing
everything the U.N. asked him to do. We will not be intimidated into backing
down and, if we have any say in the matter, neither will Saddam.‘ Bush added
that any further Iraqi attempt to meet the demands of the U.N. or U.S. will be
regarded as ‘an act of war.‘
To start the day rightly:
Instructions
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it ‘George W. Bush‘.
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you: ‘Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?‘
6. Answer calmly ‘Yes‘ pressing firmly on the mouse‘s button.
FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461
DEAR SIR / MADAM,
I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY
CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE
PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE
TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE.
I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN
ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY
PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY
FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE EXTRACTION OF PETROLEUM IN THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE
UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. (CIA)
IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER, THEN VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE PRESIDENT
OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING
ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN. THIS UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A
FALLING OUT WITH HIS IRAQI PARTNER, WHO SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE
SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED U.S.-BRITISH
SUBSIDIARY.
MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN 1991 AT A COST OF
SIXTY-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($61,000,000,000). OUT OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX
BILLION DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN THE KINGDOM
OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS
($16,000,000,000) BY GERMAN AND JAPANESE PARTNERS. BUT MY FATHER‘S FORMER IRAQI
BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ITS PETROLEUM
RESERVES.
MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING THE REMOVAL OF THE
PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ACQUIRING THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS
COUNTRY, AS COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING HIM FROM POWER.
UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN
OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS UPCOMING PHASE MAY COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION
TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 – $200,000,000,000), BOTH IN THE
INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM MANAGEMENT.
WITHOUT THE FUNDS FROM OUR 1991 PARTNERS, WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE
OIL REVENUE TRAPPED WITHIN IRAQ. THAT IS WHY MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES ARE
URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR GRACIOUS ASSISTANCE.
OUR DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES IN THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION INCLUDE THE SITTING
VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, RICHARD CHENEY, WHO IS AN
ORIGINAL PARTNER IN THE IRAQ VENTURE AND FORMER HEAD OF THE HALLIBURTON OIL
COMPANY, AND CONDOLEEZA RICE, WHOSE PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION TO THE VENTURE WAS
DEMONSTRATED IN THE NAMING OF A CHEVRON OIL TANKER AFTER HER…
I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT
(10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE.
THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (IRS) WILL FUNCTION
AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT YOU MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE
FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH OF APRIL.
I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND
WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A
BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT
THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN
THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER
DISCUSS THE MATTER.
I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE
FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS
BELOW.
SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS,
GEORGE WALKER BUSH
Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
president@whitehouse.gov
(We now take you to the Oval Office with President Bush and Condoleezza Rice)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What‘s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That‘s what I want to know.
Condi: That‘s what I‘m telling you.
George: That‘s what I‘m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow‘s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya‘ asking me for?
Condi: I‘m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I‘m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That‘s the man‘s name.
George: That‘s who‘s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.
Condi: That‘s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don‘t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then
get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send
some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the
Middle East?
Bush (Senior) was in his front yard mowing his grass when little W.came out of
the house and rushed straight to the mailbox. Little W opened it, looked in,
then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
As Bush (senior) was getting ready to edge the lawn, looking his son, little
W. came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back, and
then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by his son actions George (senior) asked him, ‘Is something wrong
son?‘
To which he replied, ‘There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps
saying, ‘YOU‘VE GOT MAIL.‘
‘President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that
democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a
good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can‘t
even get this in Florida.‘
During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his
Politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands Up and
tells him ‘Mr. President, I got 3 questions:‘
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you Still
won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don‘t you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
attack of all times?
Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the
room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey
stands up and tells him ‘Mr. President, I got 5 questions:‘
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you Still
won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don‘t you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
Attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where‘s Bobby?
Saddam Hussein called President Bush and said, ‘George, I had a wonderful
dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I
saw a banner.‘
‘What did it say on the banners?‘ Mr. Bush asked.
Saddam replied, ‘LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN.‘
Mr. Bush responded, ‘You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last
night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more
beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an
enormous banner.‘
‘What did the banners say?‘ Saddam asked.
‘I don‘t know,‘ replied Mr. Bush, ‘I can‘t read Hebrew.‘