Its All About Jokes

Genie and the Taliban

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
‘I will give each of you each one wish. That‘s three wishes total,‘ says the genie.

The Canadian says, ‘I‘m a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.‘

With a blink of the genie‘s eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, ‘I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state.‘

Again, with a blink of the genie‘s eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

‘Uncle Sam‘ (A former civil engineer), asks, ‘I‘m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.‘

The Genie explains, ‘Well, it‘s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out – it‘s virtually impenetrable.‘

Uncle Sam says, ‘Fill it with water.‘

Bush, Einstein and Picasso

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn‘t let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, ‘How do I know you‘re Picasso?‘

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. ‘How can you prove to me you‘re George W. Bush?‘ Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, ‘Well heck, I dont know.‘

St. Peter says, ‘Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you‘re George W. Bush?‘

Bush replies, ‘Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?‘

St. Peter says, ‘It must be you, George, c‘mon on in

George W. and Moses

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms.
He approached the man and asked reverently, ‘Aren‘t you Moses?‘

But the man wouldn‘t listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, ‘Aren‘t you Moses?‘

The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man‘s arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, ‘Answer me — Aren‘t you Moses?‘

The man replies, ‘I‘m not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!‘

Texas Talkin‘

Here‘s what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State…
The engine‘s runnin‘ but ain‘t nobody driving = Not too smart
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
We‘ve howdied but we ain‘t shook yet = We‘ve met, but haven‘t been formally introduced
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn‘t stink
She‘s got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She‘s a talker
It‘s so dry the trees are bribin‘ the dogs = Rain would be nice
Just because a chicken has wings doesn‘t mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
This ain‘t my first rodeo = I‘ve been around the block
He looks like the dog‘s been keepin‘ him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
They ate supper before they said grace = They‘re living in sin
Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you‘re told
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn‘t make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn‘t change a thing

Bush‘s Winning Campaign Slogans

1. I‘ll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

3. I‘ll finish what Bill started — the interns.

4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

6. I promise no sex scandal — just look at me!

7. New penal plan: I won‘t use mine!

8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers.

10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

Bush and Clinton and Bush

A reporter remarked to George W. Bush: ‘It must be something, knowing that you put the Bush legacy back into the oval office.‘
‘Thanks to Bill Clinton,‘ replied George. ‘Bush never left the office.‘

Bush and Gore, together again

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none.
Gore screamed for a revote.

The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote.

So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating.

‘Yes,‘ replied the spy, ‘he‘s putting holes in the ice.‘

Things Dubya Shouldn‘t Say

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into consideration and realized that I really DO look like a furry woodland creature!
2. My fellow Americans, prepare to die. I accidentally sent my wife‘s birthday gift to bin Laden instead of a bomb. When he receives the negligee I‘m afraid he won‘t be happy. Unfortunately, my wife will receive the bomb. At least ONE good thing will come of this!

3. My fellow Americans, I have decided to skip the state of the union and instead air a program I have long loved and admired, which I still watch to this day… ready? Here it goes!.. ‘I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE‘RE A HAPPY FAMILY, WITH A…‘

4. My fellow Americans, I have just learned of an extraordinary thing! There is a HOLE in the ozone layer! Now we can see the stars even better!

5. Doo a diddy, diddy dum diddy doo!

6. My fellow Americans, I have been deceiving you. I must tell you this now: I know you all voted for me because I am my father‘s son. Well, he‘s not my father. You have elected the son of the mailman!

7. My fellow Americans, I must apologize. I had no idea that Dick Cheney is my Vice President! I thought that I was running with a pro wrestler. Please forgive me for my mistake. What? What do you mean, how could I have possibly done such a thing? Simple. I don‘t really memorize all the names of those less than unimportant senators that no one cares about. I make up nicknames for them like Obblebobble and Notafornee and then laugh about it in my little corners when they‘re talking about laws and junk.

8. My fellow Americans, I forgot… what was thing with slavery again?

9. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go and finish school and get my high school diploma. Starting Monday I am enrolling in the class I never finished – Miss Munerlich‘s kindergarten!

10. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go on a family vacation to – Afghanistan! I hear people get stoned there, and unfortunately that is illegal here in our great country that is run by me. I haven‘t gotten stoned in a long time, not since my visit to the Colombian drug lord Elrico Machimachez, who happens to supply me with mucho goods… What? They THROW stones at people? …Ah, change of plans! Honey, children, you‘re going to Afghanistan without me, I have to… uh… write a bill for the allowance of marijuana in America! Ta ta!

Al Gore‘s Piercings

Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring?
He heard that George Bush got a Dick Cheney.

Bumper Crop O‘ Bumper Stickers

Bush happens
Life is like a box of chocolates. Looks like we got a bad one. (Impeach Bush)
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you‘re an asshole.
Vegetarians taste better
There is absolutely no excuse for the way I‘m about to drive
If you‘re reading this, it‘s time to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
Don‘t steal. the government hates competition
I‘m frum texas. yep, we luv ar bush. he‘s jest as smrt as we ar
Honk if you like peace and quiet