Its All About Jokes

Helen: Mum, do you know what I‘m going to give you for your birthday? Mum: No, dear, what ? Helen: A nice teapot. Mum: But I‘ve got a nice teapot. Helen: No you haven‘t. I‘ve just dropped it.

Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely! Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum‘s too frightened he‘ll break it!

‘I‘m giving a ‘surprised‘ birthday party for you.‘ ‘A ‘surprised‘. birthday party? What‘s that?‘ ‘That‘s where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I‘ll be surprised!‘

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. ‘Excuse me for disturbing you, ma‘am,‘ he said politely, ‘but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I‘ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.‘ ‘That‘s right.‘ ‘Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.‘ ‘Well, today is his birthday.‘

Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday? He‘s trying to age disgracefully!

Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong. ‘I‘ll never understand women‘ said Joe. ‘The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.‘ ‘Wow! That‘s quite some gift‘ said the bartender. ‘So why are you so dejected?‘ ‘Well I thought about it for a while‘ said Joe, ‘and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won‘t even speak to me!‘

It was Grandpa Jones‘ 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit. He explained ‘I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I‘ve been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.‘ ‘How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?‘ we asked. ‘It‘s simple‘ he said. ‘When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk.‘

‘Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.‘ ‘Next time, take off the candles.‘

Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

Home – A – Age Jokes ‘That‘s an excellent essay for someone your age,‘ said the English teacher. ‘How about for someone my Mum‘s age, Miss?‘ ‘Welcome to school, Simon,‘ said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. ‘How old are you?‘ ‘I‘m not old,‘ said Simon. ‘I‘m nearly new.‘ Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. ‘How old are you, ma‘am?‘ asked Fred. ‘I‘m not going to tell you that,‘ she replied. ‘But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were.‘ ‘Oh well,‘ said Miss Jones. ‘I‘m the same age as both of them.‘ The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. ‘Now remember, boys and girls,‘ said the science teacher, ‘you can tell a tree‘s age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.‘ Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. ‘I‘m not eating that, Mum!‘ she said. ‘It‘s five years old.‘ Grandma: You‘ve left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one. Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Fred: Well, you can have mine. How old is your wife? Approaching forty. From which direction? An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday. `That‘s right,‘ said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I haven‘t an enemy in the world. They‘re all dead.‘ `Well, sir,‘ said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.‘ The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I can‘t see why you shouldn‘t. You look fit and healthy to me!‘