Its All About Jokes

A man asked his wife, ‘What would you most like for your birthday?‘She said, ‘I‘d love to be ten again.‘On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.Her husband leaned over and asked, ‘Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?‘One eye opened and she groaned, ‘Actually, honey, I meant dress size!‘

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,‘I‘ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.‘Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and thistime he doesn‘t get her anything.She says, ‘Why didn‘t you get me a birthday present!?‘He replies, ‘You didn‘t use what I got you last year!‘

Home – A – Age Jokes‘That‘s an excellent essay for someone your age,‘ said the English teacher. ‘How about for someone my Mum‘s age, Miss?‘ ‘Welcome to school, Simon,‘ said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. ‘How old are you?‘ ‘I‘m not old,‘ said Simon. ‘I‘m nearly new.‘Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. ‘How old are you, ma‘am?‘ asked Fred. ‘I‘m not going to tell you that,‘ she replied. ‘But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were.‘ ‘Oh well,‘ said Miss Jones. ‘I‘m the same age as both of them.‘ The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. ‘Now remember, boys and girls,‘ said the science teacher, ‘you can tell a tree‘s age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.‘ Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. ‘I‘m not eating that, Mum!‘ she said. ‘It‘s five years old.‘ Grandma: You‘ve left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one. Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Fred: Well, you can have mine. How old is your wife?Approaching forty.From which direction?An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.`That‘s right,‘ said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I haven‘t an enemy in the world. They‘re all dead.‘`Well, sir,‘ said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.‘The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I can‘t see why you shouldn‘t. You look fit and healthy to me!‘

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks. ‘Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!‘

First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday? Second boy: No, I‘m having a witch do. First boy: What‘s a witch do? Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. ‘What‘s the matter?‘ she asked. ‘It‘s my birthday!‘ he hollered. ‘And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there‘s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .‘ and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. ‘But that‘s lovely,‘ said the old lady. ‘Why are you crying?‘ ‘Because I‘m lost!‘

Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap? It was a birthday present from his wife!

Cat: ‘What did you get him for his birthday?‘ Dog: ‘Pant . . . pant!‘ Cat: ‘Great . . . he needs a pair of pants!‘

How can you tell if an elephant‘s been to your birthday party? Look for his footprints in the ice cream.