Its All About Jokes

There‘s three dogs, a Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog all sat in a bar having a quiet drink when a great-looking female Collie strolls in. She comes up to them and says, ‘Whoever can say liver and cheese in a single sentence can have their way with me.‘

Quickly, the Doberman says, ‘I love liver and cheese.‘

The Collie replies, ‘That‘s not good enough.‘

The Bulldog says, ‘I hate liver and cheese.‘

She laughs and says, ‘That‘s not creative enough.‘

Finally, the Chihuahua says, ‘Liver alone . . . cheese mine.‘

Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, ‘I play with mouse traps for fun. I‘ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times.‘ And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, ‘That‘s nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it.‘ And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, ‘Where the hell are you going?‘

The third mouse stops and replies, ‘I‘m going home to shag the cat.‘

There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest.

After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unphased, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. On seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the toilets.

An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left. The other piece of tarmac asks him why he ran off.

He replies ‘Haven‘t you heard about him? He‘s a cycle-path!‘

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans.

He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch.

‘Hi, there, I‘m Jerry,‘ he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, ‘and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?‘

‘As a matter of fact there is,‘ she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. ‘Do you have change for a dollar?‘

A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and asks, ‘Do you want to play magic?‘

‘What‘s that?‘ she replies.

Grinning a little, he continues, ‘You come back to my place, have sex, then disappear.‘

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
‘Certainly, sir, that‘ll be 1 cent.‘

‘One penny?!‘ exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, ‘Yes.‘

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, ‘Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?‘

‘Certainly sir,‘ replies the bartender, ‘but all that comes to real money.‘

‘How much money?‘ inquires the guy.

‘Four cents,‘ he replies.

‘Four cents?!‘ exclaims the guy. ‘Where‘s the guy who owns this place?‘

The barman replies, ‘Upstairs with my wife.‘ The guy says,

‘What‘s he doing with your wife?‘

The bartender replies, ‘Same as what I‘m doing to his business.‘

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, ‘What in the world happened to you, buddy?‘

The guy says ‘Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.‘

‘Yeah?‘ asks the bartender. ‘What did she do?‘

‘She hit me with her bag of quarters!‘

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, ‘I thought you‘d be tougher than that, Batman.‘

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, ‘A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please.‘ So they proceed to drink. Then: ‘…a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too‘ And they keep drinking all evening.

Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, ‘Hey! You‘re not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?‘

The guy replies ‘That‘s not a lion… it‘s a giraffe.‘

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.
The American said to him ‘Oh is your girl named Wendy too?‘

The Jamaican replied, ‘No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day‘.