Its All About Jokes

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband‘s key in the door. ‘Stay where you are,‘ she said. ‘He‘s so drunk he won‘t even notice you‘re in bed with me.‘

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: ‘Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What‘s going on?‘

‘Nonsense,‘ said the wife. ‘You‘re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.‘

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. ‘One, two, three, four. You‘re right, you know.‘

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, ‘A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you‘re at it, have one yourself.‘

‘Well thank you sir,‘ says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, ‘Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else.‘

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, ‘Excuse me sir, but don‘t you think you should pay me for that last round first?‘

The guy slurs, ‘I can‘t. I don‘t have any money.‘ With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, ‘A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends.‘

‘I suppose you‘ll be offering me a drink too?‘ the barman asks, marvelling at the guy‘s nerve.

‘Not likely,‘ slurs the guy, ‘you get nasty when you‘ve had a drink!‘

This guy arrives home to find his wife waiting for him by the door. ‘And what time do you call this,‘ she starts angrily, ‘You went down to the take away three hours ago, and now you stagger back here stinking of booze, with no food!‘

‘Look,‘ the guy responds calmly, ‘How do you fancy a chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potatoes, and a chapatti?‘

‘Oh, all right then.‘ his now really hungry wife agrees.

‘Fine.‘ He says, and throws up all over her!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.

The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.

The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, ‘Come on you little git, spit it out!‘

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

‘Watch this.‘ Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, ‘I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter.‘

‘Really.‘ Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, ‘Yeah, and I hear he was a pervert too.‘

‘Is that so?‘ the still calm Irishman responds.

‘I know how to rile this tosser.‘ Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, ‘Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?‘

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, ‘Yeah, so your mates were telling me.‘

There‘s a drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.

Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he‘ll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole in the ice.

Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, ‘There‘s no fish in here.‘ The drunk looks all around him but can‘t see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.

Again, the voice booms out, ‘I‘ve told you once, there‘s no fish in here!‘ He looks up again but there‘s still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.

‘Stop it!‘ shouts the now very angry sounding voice, ‘You‘d better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there‘ll be trouble.‘

‘Who are you‘ shouts the drunk guy, ‘you don‘t scare me!‘

‘Look,‘ replies the voice, ‘I‘m the manager of this Ice Rink!‘

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
‘If that‘s the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!‘

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, ‘Can I have a pint of Less, please?‘

‘I‘m sorry sir,‘ the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, ‘I‘ve not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?‘

‘I‘ve no idea,‘ replies the guy, ‘The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.‘

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. ‘This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I‘m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.‘

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. ‘This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won‘t pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch.‘

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, ‘What do you think of this?‘

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling ‘Why, this tastes like piss,‘

The old drunk replies, ‘That‘s right, now tell me how old I am.‘

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said,
‘Now listen buddy, if you don‘t stop calling me that I‘ll kick your head in!‘