Bar and Drinking Jokes Collection
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, ‘I‘ve got to take you in, pal. You‘re obviously drunk.‘
Our wasted friend asked, ‘Officer, are yer absolutely sure I‘m drunk?‘
‘Yeah, buddy, I‘m sure,‘ said the cop. ‘Let‘s go.‘
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, ‘Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled.‘
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, ‘I‘ll have a beer‘ and turns to the ostrich. ‘What‘s yours?‘
‘I‘ll have a beer too‘ says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says ‘That will be $3.40 please,‘ and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says ‘I‘ll have a beer,‘
The ostrich says ‘I‘ll have the same.‘
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. ‘The usual?‘ asks the bartender.
‘Well, it‘s close to last orders, so I‘ll have a large Scotch‘ says the man.
‘Same for me‘ says the ostrich.
‘That will be $7.20‘ says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can‘t hold back his curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?‘
‘Well,‘ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.‘
‘That‘s brilliant!‘ says the bartender. ‘Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you‘ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!‘
‘That‘s right! Whether it‘s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,‘ says the man.
‘That‘s fantastic!‘ says the bartender. ‘You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what‘s with the ostrich?‘
The man replies, ‘Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.‘
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That‘s why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that‘s why beer is so good for you!
A STATE OF THE ART WATCH
A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?‘
‘No,‘ he replies, ‘I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.‘
The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch? What‘s so special about it?‘
‘It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,‘ he explains.
‘What‘s it telling you now?‘ she asked.
‘Well, it says you‘re not wearing any panties.‘ he said.
The woman giggles and replies, ‘Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!‘
The man explains, ‘Damn thing must be an hour fast.‘
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.
The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.
The bartender looked over and signed ‘Now cut that out! I warned you!‘ and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, ‘If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!‘
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, ‘I‘ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.‘
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five‘s, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman‘s hand and says, ‘Here…paint my house.‘
It‘s time once again to review the winners of the Annual ‘Stella Awards.‘ The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald‘s. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.
Here are this year‘s winners:
7th Place:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson‘s son.
6th Place:
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn‘t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor‘s hubcaps.
5th Place:
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn‘t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner‘s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor‘s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner‘s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place:
This year‘s runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner‘s manual that she couldn‘t actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
Things that are difficult to say when you‘re drunk…
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you‘re drunk…
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you‘re drunk…
a) Thanks, but I don‘t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you‘re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn‘t it lovely out tonight?
f) I‘m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn‘t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won‘t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I‘d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, ‘What was that all about?‘
The bartender replies, ‘Look up ‘panda‘ in the dictionary, pal.‘
And so, the patron retrieves his Webster‘s dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word ‘panda.‘
‘What‘s it say?‘ asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, ‘Eats shoots and leaves.‘
Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. ‘What is it you have lost?‘ he asked.
‘My watch,‘ replied the drunk. ‘It fell off when I tripped over the pavement.‘
The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. ‘Where exactly did you trip?‘ asked the passer-by.
‘About half a block up the street,‘ replied the drunk.
‘Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?‘
The drunk said: ‘Because the light‘s a lot better here.‘