Its All About Jokes

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, ‘You look terrible. What‘s the problem?‘

‘My mother died in August,‘ his friend replied, ‘and left me £25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me £90,000.‘

‘Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you‘re depressed.‘

‘And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000.‘ His friend continued.

‘Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.‘

‘Then this month,‘ concluded, the friend, ‘absolutely nothing!‘

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologised and explained, ‘I‘m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.‘

‘Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!‘ she screamed.

‘Funny,‘ he muttered, ‘you even sound exactly like her.‘

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, ‘Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn‘t dance a single step!‘

‘So?‘ asked the ducks former owner, ‘did you remember to light the candle under the pot?‘

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says ‘You can‘t bring that dog in here!‘

The guy, without missing a beat, says ‘This is my guide dog.‘

‘Oh man,” the bartender says, ‘I‘m sorry, here, the first one‘s on me.‘ The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says ‘You can‘t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it‘s a guide dog.‘ The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

The bartender says ‘Hey, you can‘t bring that dog in here!‘

The second man replies ‘This is my guide dog.‘

The bartender says, ‘No, I don‘t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs.‘

The man pauses for a half-second and replies ‘What? They gave me a Chihuahua?‘

A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk ‘do you live here?‘

‘Yep!‘

‘Would you like me to help you upstairs?‘

‘Yep.‘

When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked ‘Is this your floor?‘

‘Yep.‘

Then the Good Samaritan got to think that maybe he didn‘t want to face the man‘s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.

However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk ‘Do you live here?‘
‘Yep.‘

‘Would you like me to help you upstairs?‘

‘Yep.‘

So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, Then went back downstairs.

To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over toward him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried ‘Please officer, save me from this man. He‘s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!‘

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn‘t drive.

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, ‘I‘ve got news for you. You‘re going straight to hell!‘

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, ‘Man, I‘m on the wrong bus!‘

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. ‘Does your dog bite?‘

‘No.‘

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

‘I thought you said your dog didn‘t bite!‘ the man says indignantly.

‘That‘s not my dog.‘

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

‘But I paid, don‘t you remember?‘ says the customer.

‘Okay,‘ says the bartender, ‘If you say you paid, you did.‘

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can‘t keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, ‘If you say you paid, I‘ll take your word for it.‘

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, ‘You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face.‘

‘Don‘t bother me with your troubles,‘ the final patron responds. ‘Just give me my change and I‘ll be on my way.‘

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, ‘What do you have in there pal?‘

‘It’s a mongoose.‘

‘What have you got that for?‘

‘Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I‘m scared to death of snakes. That‘s why I got this mongoose, for protection.‘

‘But,‘ the friend said, ‘you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.‘

‘That‘s okay,‘ said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, ‘So is the mongoose.‘