Its All About Jokes

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, ‘If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?‘ The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, ‘If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?‘ The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat‘s music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. ‘Sorry,‘ the man replies, ‘he‘s not for sale.‘ The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. ‘No,‘ he insists, ‘he‘s not for sale.‘ The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

‘Are you insane?‘ the bartender demanded. ‘That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!‘ ‘Don‘t worry about it.‘ the man answered. ‘The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat‘s a ventriloquist.‘

Man walks into a bar, has a seat and asks for two double shots. He knocks one back and tosses the second into his vest pocket. This goes on for about a dozen rounds before the bartender says, ‘Excuse me, but I‘m curious as to why you knock back one drink and toss the other into your vest pocket?‘ The man says, ‘That‘s none of your damn business.‘ A mouse pops out of the vest pocket and yells.‘ And that goes for your damn cat too!‘

Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: ‘I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps‘. The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says ‘Well I saw it too but I didn‘t think he would jump again‘

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, ‘Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I‘ll buy you another drink. I just can‘t stand to see a man cry.‘

‘No, it‘s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.‘

‘I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.‘

Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his ass on top of a drunk‘s glass. The drunk yells, ‘Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his ass in my beer?‘

The organ grinder replies, ‘No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I‘ll pick it up from there.‘

Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian‘s head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, ‘I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I‘ll give them a thousand bucks.‘ Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy. Jack says, ‘Tom, take a look at this.‘ Tom says, ‘Not now, I‘m busy.‘ Jack says, ‘I really think you should have a look.‘ Tom says, ‘Asshole, can‘t you see I‘m busy? I‘ve got a thousand dollars in my hand.‘ Jack says, ‘Please, Tom, take a look.‘ Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there‘s five thousand Indians standing there. Tom says, ‘Fuck! We‘re gonna be millionaires!‘

A man that was drinking all day goes into a bar. He demands a beer and is denied. Yet he keeps asking the bartender. Finally the bartender grabs him and throws him out. Another man is walking by and the man who was thrown out stops him. He says hey I‘ll bet you 100 dollars that I‘m Jesus Christ. The man walking by laughs at him and says make it 500 dollars and you got yourself a bet. The man claiming to be Jesus says come with me into this bar and I‘ll prove it. So they walk in and sit down at the bar. Suddenly the bartender comes from the back of the bar and sees the man he threw out. Angrily the bartender looks toward the man he just threw out and says Jesus Christ I told you to stay out of here. The man walking by looks amazed and pays the man his 500 dollars.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, ‘We don‘t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.‘ The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, ‘We don‘t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.‘ The bear, very angry now, says, ‘If you don‘t serve me a beer, I‘m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.‘ The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don‘t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.‘ The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, ‘Sorry, we don‘t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.‘ The bear says, ‘I‘m NOT on drugs.‘ Te bartender says, ‘You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.‘

Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend who was a midget. Sudden out of nowhere, the Pope walks into the bar! ‘Oh my god its the pope ‘ they all say at once ‘the midget says to the guys ‘That‘s it I‘m going ask him.‘ So he walks up to the Pope and asks ‘Sir, are there midget nuns in America?‘, ‘No, no, no.‘ says the Pope ‘Are there midget nuns in the entire world?‘ ‘No, no, no.‘ says the Pope ‘Are there even such things as midget nuns?‘ ‘No, no, no.‘ says the Pope. His friends burst out chanting, ‘Joe screwed a penguin, Joe screwed a penguin…‘

A man enters into a bar, and the waiter comes and asks him ‘What do you want to drink sir?‘ The customer points out to a guy laying on the floor and replies ‘Whatever that guy was drinking.‘