Its All About Jokes

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, ‘Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn‘t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. ‘By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I‘m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand‘ ‘So,‘ says the second drunk, ‘what‘s your point?‘ ‘Well,‘ says the first, ‘I‘m just wondering how much stronger I‘m gonna get!‘

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, ‘This is for ladies!‘ she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said ‘So is this!‘

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, ‘Tonight, I‘m the Designated Decoy.‘

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he‘s done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, ‘How about my money,‘ the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said…PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says ‘You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I‘m gonna go over there and talk to him.‘ So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. ‘Excuse me sir,‘ he starts, ‘but I noticed you look just like me!‘ The second man turns around and says ‘Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?‘, ‘I‘m from Dublin‘, second man stunned says, ‘Me too! What street do you live on?‘, ‘McCarthy street‘, second man replies, ‘Me too! What number is it?‘, the first man announces, ‘162‘, second man shocked says, ‘Me too! What are your parents names?‘, first man replies, ‘Connor and Shannon‘, second man awestruck says, ‘Mine too! This is unbelievable!‘

So, they buy some more Guinness and they‘re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks ‘What‘s new today?‘ ‘Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again.‘

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn‘t know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says ‘Hey Benny what‘s up?‘ so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn‘t know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says ‘Hey Benny how are things going?‘. Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn‘t know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says ‘Benny you know you can‘t just show up here like this.‘ Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says ‘Hey Benny how have you been?‘ So then he bets him $1000 he doesn‘t know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says‘ Ok now watch up there on that balcony I‘m gonna come out there with the Pope.‘ So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says ‘Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?‘ he goes ‘No somebody walked behind me and said who‘s that guy up there with Benny!‘

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, ‘Hey! You can‘t leave that lyin‘ there!‘ The drunk replies, ‘That‘s not a lion! It‘s a giraffe.‘

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ‘ I‘d like to try the bet‘ After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd‘s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man ‘what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?‘ The man replied ‘I work for the IRS.‘

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, ‘Whoa, I don‘t remember eating that!‘

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says ‘The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order‘!