Its All About Jokes

ARTHUR GUINESS & OTHER STORIES

There‘s a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of ‘Budweiser‘ orders a Bud, the president of ‘Miller‘ orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody‘s amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

‘Why don‘t you order a Guinness?‘ his colleagues ask.

‘Naah. If you guys won‘t drink beer, than neither will I.‘

* * *

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, ‘No way buddy you‘re too drunk.‘

A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs ‘give me a drink.‘

The bartender says ‘No man I told you last time you‘re too drunk‘

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says ‘You‘re too drunk‘

The drunk scratches his head and says ‘Damn I must be… the last two places said the same thing.‘

* * *

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. ‘What‘s the matter?‘ the bartender asks.

‘My wife and I got into a fight,‘ explained the guy ‘and now she isn‘t talking to me for a whole 31 days.‘

The bartender thought about this for a while. ‘But, isn‘t it a good thing that she isn‘t talking to you?‘ asked the bartender.

‘ Yeah, except today is the last night.

* * *

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, ‘Hey! How about it babe? You and me?‘

As she got up to move, he said loudly, ‘Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don‘t have an extra two dollars.‘

She looked back and replied just as loudly, ‘What makes you think I charge by the inch?‘

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, ‘can I help you‘?

The duck said, ‘quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?‘

The bartender said, ‘NO! This is a bar and we don‘t sell raisins.‘ The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!

The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, ‘quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?‘

The bartender said, ‘NO this is a BAR we don‘t sell raisins!‘ So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!
The duck yelled at the bartender, ‘quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?‘

The bartender said, ‘NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.‘

The duck said, ‘ok‘, and left.

The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, ‘quack, quack, got any nails?‘

The bartender replied, ‘No!‘

The duck said ‘Good, then you got any raisins?‘

A man came home VERY late, drunk as a skunk, to find his wife waiting for him at the door. ‘Where have you been?‘ she screams. ‘It‘s 4 in the morning!‘

He says, ‘Aww, I just stopped at this bar, I was only going to have one drink…but this bar, it was incredible. Everything in it was gold-plated. They had a gold rail under the bar, gold ashtrays, they served the drinks in gold shot glasses, the table posts were all gold-plated, even the mirror behind the bar was gold. The cash register was gold. I was so amazed by all this gold, I just kept ordering drinks, and so I could stay in the bar and look at it. Hell, even when I went to the Men‘s Room to take a leak, they had gold-plated urinals…man, I want to tell you, it was wonderful.‘

‘I don‘t believe that story for one goddamn minute,‘ his wife said. ‘What was this place called?‘

‘Hell,‘ he replies, ‘I can‘t remember…I got too drunk, and I forgot.‘

‘You‘re gonna have to prove it to me tomorrow when you sober up, or I‘m going to divorce you!‘ she said.

The next day, the man looks through the Yellow Pages under ‘BARS‘, but none of the names ring a bell. He decides that he‘ll call all the bars listed, and ask the bartenders about the decor in their establishments. He‘s called about 50 bars so far, and still no luck. Finally, he calls one bar, asks his question, and the bartender says that, yes, they are the bar with all the gold-plated stuff.

‘Here,‘ the man says, handing the phone to his wife. ‘Ask this bartender if I‘m lying!‘

The wife gets on the line, and begins to ask the bartender about all the things her husband had told her about on the previous night…the rail, the shot glasses, the mirrors, the table posts, the cash register, etc. etc. Finally, she says, ‘Now, this may seem like a strange question, but my husband says you even have gold-plated urinals…do you?‘

The bartender puts the phone down on the bar, and she hears him yell, ‘Hey Mike!! I think I know who pissed in your saxophone…‘

There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ The drunk says, ‘I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbor.’

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, ‘May I please speak to your manager?’ He says, ‘Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?’ She replies, ‘I don’t know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…’ Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, ‘I’m pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.’ She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking ‘I’m in!!!’ She goes, ‘Can you give the manager something for me?’ The bartender nods…yes. ‘Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.’

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, ‘Where’d you get the great shirt mate?’ The man replies, ‘David Jones.’ This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes ‘Where’d you get the great pants mate?’ The man replies, ‘ David Jones.’ This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, ‘Where’d you get the great shoes and socks mate?’ The man replies, ‘David Jones.’ Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, ‘Look Who the hell are you mate?’ And the naked guy says, ‘I’m David Jones!’

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?“

“No,“ he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.“

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What‘s so special about it?“

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,“ he explains.

“What‘s it telling you now?“ she asked.

“Well, it says you‘re not wearing any panties.“ he said.

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!“

The man explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.“

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I‘ll buy you another drink. I just can‘t stand to see a man cry.“

“No, it‘s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.“

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.“

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, “Six shots? What‘s wrong?“

“I found out my older brother is gay,“ replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. “What now?“ asked the bartender.

“I found out my younger brother is gay,“ replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. “Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?“ asked the bartender.

The man replied, “Yeah, my wife does.“

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?“

To which she responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, “No, I won‘t sleep with you tonight!“

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, “I‘m sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I‘m a graduate student in psychology and I‘m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.“

To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, “What do you mean $200!!!“ ???