Its All About Jokes

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

‘Are you the manager?‘ she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

‘Actually, no‘ he replies.

‘Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?‘ she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

‘I‘m afraid I can‘t‘ breathes the barman – clearly aroused. ‘Is there anything I can do?‘

‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message‘ she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

‘Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.‘

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn‘t tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don‘t force Beer on minors who can‘t think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don‘t knock on people‘s doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody‘s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don‘t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can‘t lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you‘ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.

Three men are sat around the camp fire, knocking back a few whiskeys and chewing the fat. The conversation soon turned to their animals as all the men owned dogs.

The first man said ‘My dog is called Woodworker. I‘ll show you why I chose the name. Go, Woodworker!‘ and with that the dog grabbed a log from the fire and began chewing it. Within minutes the dog had chewed out a beautiful figurine.

Not to be outdone, the second man said ‘Well, my dog is called Stoneworker, watch this.‘ With that he instructed the dog who promptly fetched a rock over and began gnawing away at it. Within minutes the dog and carved out a beautiful stone figurine.

The third man smiled and said ‘Well my dog‘s called Ironworker‘. He put the poker into the fire and waited until the tip was glowing red hot.

‘Now‘ he continued, ‘all I have to do is touch his balls with this and you watch him make a bolt for the door!‘

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, ‘That little gal is havin‘ a bad time. I‘m a gonna go over there and help.‘

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, ‘Kin ya swaller?‘ Gasping, she shook her head no.

He asked, ‘Kin ya breathe?‘ Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, ‘Ya know, it‘s sure amazin‘ how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works.‘

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it.

Now the barman figures the horse isn‘t that bright, so he decides to pull the old ‘short-change‘ trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn‘t say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, ‘Y‘know, we don‘t get many horses in here.‘

To which the horse replies, ‘At nine dollars a beer, I‘m not surprised!‘

These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells ‘I don‘t serve strings in this bar…‘

The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders… The bartender shouts, ‘Hey, didn‘t you hear what I told your buddy?‘

String says ‘Yeah.‘

Bartender says, ‘aren‘t you a string?‘

String says, ‘No, I‘m a frayed knot…‘

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, ‘I‘ll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour.‘

The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don‘t allow animals in here.‘

The dog replies, ‘Hey, I‘m tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink.‘

The bartender says, ‘Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!‘

‘No, no, no, this isn‘t a trick, I promise you,‘ says the man, ‘I tell you what, I‘ll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here.‘ The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.

‘Now, can I have my drink.‘ says the dog.

The bartender is amazed. ‘Sure you can and it‘s on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It‘ll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here‘s ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards.‘

‘Okay.‘ says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn‘t come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.

As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.

The owner shouts, ‘Rover! What are you doing! You‘ve never done this before!‘

The dog shrugged. ‘Hell, I‘ve never had any money before.‘

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, ‘Your Mom‘s the best lay in town!‘ Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, ‘I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!‘ Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, ‘Your mom even let me….‘

Finally the guy interrupts, ‘Go home, Dad—you‘re drunk again!‘

A QUICK ROUND OF SHORTS

A dyslexic walks into a bra…

A guy walks into a bar and says ‘I‘m so thirsty I could like the sweat off a cow‘s balls.‘
a guy in the corner says ‘Moooo!‘

Two condoms walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says ‘Wanna go get shit faced?‘

A baby seal walks into a club…

What do you call a basement full of women?
A whine cellar!

Two gays walking past the funeral parlour, one says ‘fancy popping in and sucking down a couple of cold ones?‘

A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says ‘two pints please, one for me and one for the road.‘

Some Bacon and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender stops them and says ‘sorry, we don‘t serve breakfast in here.‘

A guy walks into a bar on the moon and says to the bartender ‘Hey, there‘s no atmosphere in here!‘

Four gays in the bar and only one stool. What do they do?
Turn it over!

Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. ‘I‘ll bet you $10 he‘ll jump,‘ said the first guy.

‘Bet you $10 he won‘t,‘ replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.

‘I can‘t take your money,‘ said the first guy. ‘I cheated you. The same story was on the five o‘clock news.‘

‘No, no. Take it,‘ said the second guy. ‘I saw the five o‘clock news too. I just didn‘t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!‘