Its All About Jokes

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, ‘Hi, I‘m a zebra! What are you?‘

‘I‘m a cow.‘

‘Right, right. What do you do?‘

‘I make milk for the farmer.‘

‘Cool.‘ The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. ‘Hi, I‘m a zebra. What are you?‘

‘I‘m a chicken.‘

‘Oh, right. What do you do?‘

‘I make eggs for the farmer.‘

‘Right, great, see ya round.‘ Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, ‘Hi, I‘m a zebra. What are you?‘

‘I am a Stallion,‘ said the stallion.

‘Wow,‘ said the zebra. ‘What do you do?‘

‘Take off your pajamas, darling, and I‘ll show you.‘

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles – or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. ‘Rabbi, we‘ve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?‘

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, ‘Did you buy this cow from Minsk?‘

‘Rabbi!‘ they replied as one, ‘You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?‘

The Rabbi said, sadly, ‘My wife is from Minsk.‘

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.

‘These, senor,‘ replied the waiter in broken English, ‘are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today.‘

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, ‘These cojones, or whatever you call them…are much smaller than the ones I had last night.‘

‘Yes, senor,‘ replied the waiter, ‘You see…the bull, he does not always lose.

Joe did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

‘What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? …… and who are you?‘ he asked.

‘This is not your bedroom,‘ the man replied, ‘I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.‘

‘WHAT!!? Are you saying, I‘m dead? I don‘t want to die ….. I‘m too young.‘ said Joe. ‘If I‘m dead, I want you to send me back immediately.‘

‘It‘s not that easy‘, said St. Peter, ‘you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own‘

Joe thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can‘t be that bad.

‘I want to return as a hen.‘ Joe replied.

In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow …….. then along came the rooster.

‘Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm.‘ he said. ‘How does it feel?‘

‘Well, it‘s OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up.‘

‘Oh that!‘ said the rooster. ‘That‘s only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you can.‘

Joe clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then ‘Plop‘ and an egg was on the ground.

‘Wow‘ Joe said ‘that felt really good!‘ So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, ‘Joe, for Christ‘s sake!!! Wake up … you‘re shittin‘ all over the bed!‘

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don‘t know, it all happened so fast.”

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, We‘ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning. Her husband replied Well, lots of dogs can do that. The wife responded, But we‘ve never subscribed to any papers!!!

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks,

“Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?“

The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your

toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.“

“Okay,“ says the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great

long eyelashes?“

“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips

through the desert.“

“Thanks Mom,“ replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got

these great big humps on my back??“

His mother replies impatiently, “They are there to help us store water

for our long treks across the desert.“

“That‘s great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long

eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store

water, but Mom…“

“Yes, son?“

“Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?“