Its All About Jokes

Q: What‘s a teddy bears favourite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy!

Q: Why shouldn‘t you take a bear to the zoo?
A: Because they‘d rather go to the cinema!

Q: What is a bear‘s favourite drink?
A: Koka-Koala!

There‘s this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun.
The other hunters are very curious. ‘How you gonna get a bear without a gun?‘ they ask.

‘Do you have a knife?‘

‘No,‘ says the guy.

‘Do you have a club?‘

‘No,‘ says the guy.

‘Don‘t you worry. I‘m gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see.‘

The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours.

Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin.

Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, ‘Open the cabin door! Open the door!‘

They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too.

Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, ‘You skin that one. I‘ll go get another.‘

There’s a guy who’s hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.
The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away.

So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he’s brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.

Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.

Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second hiker says, ‘What are you doing?‘

The first responds, ‘I figure when the bear gets close to us, we‘ll have to jump down and make a run for it.‘

The second says, ‘Are you crazy? Don’t you know you can‘t outrun a bear?

The first guy says, ‘I don‘t have to outrun the bear… I only have to outrun you!‘

This bear walks into a bar. Then he sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.

The bear says, ‘What do I owe you?‘

The bartender stops and thinks for a moment.

‘Even though this bear is smart,‘ thinks the bartender, ‘he probably hasn’t been in many bars.‘

So the bartender says, ‘That‘ll be ten dollars.‘

The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.

After a few minutes, the bartender can‘t restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear and tries to strike up a conversation.

‘You know, we don‘t get many bears in this bar.‘

The bear looks up from his beer and says, ‘Well, at ten bucks a beer, I‘m not surprised.‘

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fishing and Gaming is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. The department has posted the following notice:

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting.
On landing, the pilot says, ‘Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear.‘

The hunters go out and return with two bears.

So the pilot says, ‘I told you ONE bear!‘

But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board. After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears.

After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.

Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.

The pilot says, ‘About the same place we crashed last year.‘

A couple of hunters from Prague are out hunting, and an emormous bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters. Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly.
The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.

Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the bear that‘s closest to them.

‘No, not that one,‘ shouts the surviving hunter, ‘That‘s the female.‘

‘The Czech is in the male.‘