Its All About Jokes

Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of WIFE.
It means…Without Information Fighting Everytime!
WIFE satys No, it means –
With Idiot for Ever.

President Clinton, speaking in private with his advisor on public favor, told him that the planned invasion of Haiti will be the most unpopular thing that he has ever done as the President of the United States.

“Actually, sir, according to our research, the most unpopular thing you’ve ever done was to be inaugurated as President. It’s just been downhill from there.”

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!

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How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it’s long enough!

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What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The full moon because it’s lighter!

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What do you mean by telling everyone that I’m an idiot?
I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was supposed to be a secret!

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What was the gangsters last words?
Who put that violin in my violin case!

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What is Cheddar Gorge?
A large cheese sandwich!

Santa and Banta fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later Santa takes a boat over to the other island to see how Banta is doing. When he gets there, he finds Banta standing among a group of natives.

“Greetings! How is it going?” says Santa.

“Wonderful!” says Banta, “I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!”

He points at a palm tree and says, “What is that?”

The natives, in unison, say, “Umbalo-gong!”

He then points at a rock and says, “And that?”

The natives again intone, “Umbalo-gong!”

“You see!”, says the beaming Banta, “They use the SAME word for ‘rock’ and for ‘palm tree’!”

“That is truly amazing!” says the astonished Santa, “On the other island, the same word means ‘index finger’!”

Santa enters a store that sell curtains.

He tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”

The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.

Santa replies, “Fifteen inches.”

“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman. “That sounds very small, what room are they for?”

Santa tells him that they aren’t for a room, they are for his computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, “But, sir, computers do not have curtains!”

Santa says, “Hellllooooooooo……..I’ve got Windows!”

Santa is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room doesn’t flush so he runs to the lobby to use the men’s room but none of the stalls are free. He runs back to his room ,uproots a plant and shits in the pot .Then he puts the plant back and leaves. A week later he gets a postcard from the hotel that says” Dear Sir…all is forgiven…..just tell us…where is it?”

Q. What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
A. They were all born on holidays.

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What did you get for your birthday?
Another year!

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Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

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Q. Why was the stationmaster’s son having a cake on a train seat?
A. It was his berth-day.

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Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

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Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she said . ‘Just give me something with diamonds.’

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who’s blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed more half and half for the coffee.

While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven.

When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the oven and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen.

Pretending to be shocked, by mother exclaimed, “Patti, you’ve cooked a pregnant turkey!”

My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”